I'm fear.
I'm anger.
I'm loathing.
I'm self-hate.
Good luck getting rid of me.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
5.1b
Allow me to introduce myself. I'm the nightmare that stalks the deepest corners of your sadness, latches onto everything you love, and breaks all your favorite things. I'm the monster that you can't escape no matter how far you run. You're always dragging me behind you like a weight around your neck, always ready to trip you up or suck you down under the current of your life.
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This is incredibly depressing, but I don't have an answer. I used to have all the answers, but now I don't know how to suggest even the simplest methods/stratagems.
ReplyDeleteHmm. Good thing God does know the answers. I mean, I don't know them either.
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of C.S. Lewis's statement in *Mere Christianity* about growing up.
ReplyDeleteI often find myself despairing of this very thing you've captured here, Robby. I worry much less than I used to because, well. You know, I feel this is something everyone needs to figure out on his or her own.
Still.
I think I've told you what I see when I look into mirrors, but I don't think I've told you that it's diminishing, looming less in my mind. This battle I'm having with it is by far the most difficult fight I've ever had to face, and it keeps getting harder as I go, but by the grace of God, I'm making progress. I'm changing.
It's possible.
I used to think that being dead to sin meant getting rid of myself because, see, my sin had become myself. But it isn't real; it's a parasite, and it's diminished my real self to the point where I thought it was gone, but it isn't.
So I guess the answer I've found to the problem you've captured so beautifully in this post is that I didn't have to be resigned to it, that it can be overcome through great effort that costs everything but also gives everything back in a more brilliant way than I ever dared to dream, and it isn't even over yet.
I think I'm saying this more for my benefit than for yours, but it's the truth, and I hope someone somewhere finds it helpful.
. . . Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI'm still not sure what to do. I've got few plans and fewer possibilities for actions, I guess.
Anyway, still figuring everything out.
Goodness, you and Kyle.
ReplyDeleteAll right, then.