Sunday, November 16, 2014
11.16
The quick way she broke over other people's suffering was really what shot that electric spark across his mind. She was so kind, and not to better herself but to really help the people she met. Well, now that they had found each other forever, this defining trait was the most grating. He hated the way she jumped to it, like she wanted to forget being her, being good, being his.
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I keep wanting to reply to this. I think it'll get me in trouble.
ReplyDeleteRegardless. I grew up watching my parents sacrifice a lot for "the church." Just everything. Sometimes even me. And yeah, okay, sometimes I blamed them but also I got it because they were standing in a gap and no one else was going to, because I saw what happened when they didn't.
I mean, obviously there's the stuff in the Bible about how a guy shouldn't be an elder if he's not able to do that and take care of his family but then again Peter had a wife.
I dunno. I think I can afford to be compassionate because I'm nobody's but mine and God's. I suppose things would be different if I were married. But still.
And then there's the talents thing. Like, if you're capable, you should be using it, and so many, many people claim to serve God and do nothing about it at all, and we're in the middle of a war, and so maybe trying to help isn't so much a question of what is right but what is necessary.
You've forced me into free writing. Congratulations, and also I'm sorry.
I'm not sorry.
DeleteLook, I don't know what pushed me to write this, but I know I have in the past admired the "quick way" people come to other's point of view when suffering. I know I am not empathetic in the way I need to be. I know my heart does not bleed for the imbecile and the nincompoop. I think it's why I'm finding such kinship with some of my more jaded peers.
I think that it's necessary to give everything you can, and that God will open more out of you than you thought possible and he will push you harder still. And I think that's a good thing.
I am. But.
ReplyDeleteOkay, so like you say your heart does not bleed or whatnot but I've seen you do some incredibly compassionate things for some very idiotic people and yeah okay I'm talking about me in there somewhere. So I think the question becomes ... which matters more, the way you feel, which you cannot help, or the way you act, which you can? I mean, whether you're moved by compassion or by what you believe is right, you're asked to love people. And anyway, I've never been able to love someone by sitting by myself. I think, like, you do the action, and the feelings follow.
I'm kind of jaded by the jaded people, if that makes any sense. Like. I know not-caring costs far less than caring about people who might let you down. And yeah, okay, a lot of the time it's not even worth it. And definitely you can't make a difference to most people, for most situations, and it's frustrating as all-get-out to do everything you can and see ... nothing. But people are people, and everybody has the same worth whether you like them or not, and just because you're not seeing results for your work doesn't mean you wasted your time. I get why people get impatient and give up on it and heaven knows I want to more often than not. But if God won't give up on me, how can I give up on anyone else?
And ... idk, how can I count the worth of my own time, my own judgment as more valuable than God's?
But then the thing about giving everything you can is that you can always do more. You can always guilt yourself into harder and worse situations. And yeah, like, you survive. God supports you. But you find out very quickly that that stuff is unsustainable.
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah, God pushes you harder, and when you finally give up and give in and let Him have that thing He was asking for, He comes back asking for something else, something more. And that sounds like a wonderful thing, the best thing, the thing that's supposed to happen. (It is, probably.) But nobody tells you how hard it is. Nobody tells you that sometimes it's freaking impossible, and you have to live with that.
And yeah, okay, it'll happen eventually, and there will be joy at the end of it. But the path is described as high and narrow and difficult for a reason.
And yeah, okay, at the end of the day, it's better to try, even when the probability of success is infinitesimal, even when it's quite likely to be a pyrrhic victory.
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James 2. And it's awful, looking at your life, thinking "I could have done more." It's Oskar (sp?) Schindler tearing his watch off and screaming "I could have saved two Jews for the price of this watch!" There's always more.
ReplyDeleteI hope this world looks a lot better after the fire.
I feel I've been having this conversation my whole life, with different people, different perspectives, different motivations, and always the same questions.
ReplyDeleteVerse 13 stands out.
I'm kinda thinking maybe that's a theme for my life. Like maybe my name has a point, after all.
"And yeah, okay."
ReplyDeleteSee, this is why I don't write anymore.
That's impressive. But self-criticism is supposed to make you stronger (both spiritually and yeah-okayually), right? I think so.
ReplyDeleteI look at my life and feel like there's nothing I can do, and look back at my life and feel like I didn't do enough. Perhaps I need to be searching more.
How is that impressive? I always thought it was rather sad that I've been asking this since I was old enough to understand my parents' work, and I am still unsatisfied.
ReplyDeleteSelf-criticism is SUPPOSED to do many things, but it cripples people just as often as it motivates them, I think. Look at Hamlet.
I think the older I get the more that starfish poem-thingy means to me. I look at the vast ocean of humanity, of the problems in my country or my world or even in my students, and I never do enough. But yeah, okay, maybe I sort of made a difference to that one.
Or like, my grandma could do nothing for the last few years before she died but lie in bed and pray, and so she did, and sometimes I think maybe those prayers were not in vain.
The "Yeah, okay" repetition is impressive.
ReplyDelete