My Acolyte Journey 2014.10b

Bang Bang
Jessie J, with names to make the song famous: Ari G and Nicki M. Yes, the first post was a joke, and no, I will not apologize for re-using material. If a joke is funny once, it's funny at least four times.
I think by now we've all heard this song. It is certainly clever, but I just want to picture the man who would be seduced by this theoretical woman/narrator.

There's Joseph. He demands that people call him Lightning Juice, but people call him Joe. Last week, he came into the club I like and he's wearing one of those--what do you call the big fur hats? Like a sombrero, but neon fur? Anyway, his vest was hanging open and I could see his nipple tats and he's throwing negs at girls to see what would stick. I legitimately heard him say "I bet you'd be hot in Indiana" to a girl and then he licked his lips. I don't know what that means. Anyway, he drinks lots of cheap beer and pees in the hallway next to the picture of Scarface with pasted-on boobs. He's certifiable.
Lightning Juice turns to me after about two hours of this and he tells me this story about a woman who actually came onto him, once. I know. I don't believe it, either, but he paints this picture. Follow me, here. This is a woman who understands words and men. She's using innuendo the way most girls use a straw, and even the way she uses a straw turns Joe on. She's putting him off every other girl in the bar, saying they're hot, yeah, but I'll make your temperature rise. At this point, Joe is pinching himself and wondering when she'll point to the camera and laugh, but she keeps coming on strong. At a certain point, she's gotten Joe's hat off and his swagger wiped off and him out to her car. This is the feeling I get from Joe's breathless retelling of the story: she used him for sex. Not only did she initiate, but she "rode his uh like a Harley," Lighnting Juice's words, not mine, and then just . . . drove away. Good for her, I think. It's nice to see a young woman take command of her sexuality like that, to eschew societal norms of what's expected and to forge her own path. She has bad taste, but I'm not going to change that. Anybody who comes on as strong as she does seems to scrape the bottom of the barrel?
Anyway, Joe's telling me this story when all of a sudden, he goes apoplectic. True deer-in-the-headlights look. He begins to shake, his necklaces jingling together. He lifts a tremulous finger and hoarsely whispers: "She's back!" I follow his shaking hand and see a twelve-year old dressed up like a transvestite trying to blend in at a preschool in 2055.
"Really?" I say, incredulous.
She struts up to him, crossing her legs with each step, and then rolls over backward onto the countertop, her hair spilling over the bar. "I know you want it," she yells in a near-monotone. "I'll let you have it." I guess this passes as seductive in whatever land Lightning Juice is from. He's gone weak and white, and he's holding his hand to his nose to keep the gauge from whistling as he breathes heavily. They kiss, but not the way humans do, with tenderness and emotion. They kiss like moviestars: violently and suddenly, as if pulled together by strong magnets. Their lips move as if someone else's hands are performing the actions of kissing for them, but under a blanket in a hot room. It's not exactly repulsive. As she's dragging him off towards the parking lot, ostensibly to roll him up like a tube of toothpaste, she stops briefly to whisper to me: "See, anybody could be good to you, but you need a bad girl to blow your mind."

Lightning Juice is a nice enough guy, I just don't want to see his heart get broken.

Bang bang is a really cranked up song. Like, if the producers of songs were as stupid as the guy from Spinal Tap. The video is nothing special: a mash of three people and the visuals from a thousand music videos. I do think it's hilarious to see how the number of people with the singers is equal to their investment in the song. Jessie J wrote the beat and I assume most of the words. She's got a posse. Nicki wrote her own words (who else would push her special liquor? why do we care about Myx Moscato?) and she's got two chicks and a helicopter to help her dance. Ariana don't give a crap and she's just rolling around on a bed alone, probably shot three months afterward and in a different state. It's just as awkward as Drake in Anaconda. I wouldn't buy this song because I would be embarrassed to have it on my computer, but I will crank it up (to eleven) when it comes on the radio.