4.15

Warning: Potentially impossible conditions exist. A non-exhaustive list of impediments includes theft, urination, hunger, dehydration, incarceration, infection, invasion (alien and otherwise), abduction (also alien and otherwise), ineligibility, ruined food, allergies, illegality, mars, and other.
Before the onset of hunger, travel in space but not excessively in time to a grocer's or other general store in which human food items are kept. Any functional means of conveyance which guarantees your immediate and future safety and reproductive capacity will do. Plan to arrive within the store's or grocer's operating hours. If this information is unclear or uncertain, ask as many people as necessary until the hour is ascertained. Follow all native and social laws. Necessary supplies include sufficient banknotes for the country in which the purchase its to be made to ensure the purchase of no more than an ocean-liner but no less than a sandwich. Also dress in clothes (well fitted and in good repair) sufficient to ensure comfort and safety in the weather and social conditions prevailing at every point between yourself and your eventual goal. Take as many juice boxes as you require for hydration and sustenance.
Upon arrival at the store, establish the identity and safety of the institution. If any alaurum has been raised, abandon and try again on a different business day. Enter the store through the commercial entrance and establish your bearings.
Many types of bread are commonly located together on a shelf in stores of this type. In a language which you both share, ask a store employee where this shelf is located, and follow their directions unless dangerous to your sanity or person. In the event of your failure, yell the words "bread, pan, brot" and various other translations until another employee or helpful human gives you directions which lead you to the bread. Select a loaf or other unit of bread which is easy to access, larger than both your hands, but small enough and light enough to carry comfortably with one hand. If at all possible, locate a loaf which has been machine-sliced. Pick up the loaf, bag, or other container and carry it with you, being careful to maintain its integrity.
Now that you have found bread (be it rye, pumpernickel, french, wheat, white, or stale), it is time to acquire a container of jelly, jam, or preserves. Relocate the previously helpful employee by calling for help in every language you know and/or ISL. If that employee is irretrievable, continue searching until any human directs you safely and reliably to the shelf which contains jam, jelly, or preserves. Mark its location in your memory and ask for directions to the peanut butter or other nut-based spreadable. They might even be within close proximity to the jelly, jam, or preserves. While at the j, j, or p shelf, select a jar, tube, or other permanent container which is easily openable. Find a flavor which pleases you. Pick up this container and determine if it can be comfortably carried in the hand while holding the bread. If not, resituate items until possible or select a different container. When both both j, j, or p, and bread are comfortable in one hand and easily held for a lengthy time, go to the peanut butter or other nut-based spreadable shelf. Pick up Jif extra crunchy. If you choose not to do this or are unable to do so, throw your fragile, empty body upon the rocks, as your life has no meaning.
With a loaf, bag, or other container in one hand with j, j, or p, and Jif extra crunchy in the other, walk safely and carefully through the store or grocer's until you find a cashier, owner, or other employee willing and able to process your items in return for currency. Carefully place all items near the person, or if they indicate their readiness in their hands. When they ask for a specific amount of money, give them enough to cover the bill. If the employee asks "paper or plastic," glare at the person and mutter something incomprehensible about the environment. Then ask for double-bagged plastic. Take your money and bagged ingredients in your hands in a manner which will guarantee against dropping them when the employee indicates that you are allowed and abandon the store with haste by the commercial exit.
When outside the store, re-establish relative levels of warmth, hunger, thirst, self-esteem, and brotherly love. Maintain acceptable levels of these as you return by the same conveyance and route as your journey to the store. If the route has changed or become non-negotiable, find a new, safer route. Don't forget any of your belongings or juice boxes at the store or anywhere along the route; bring these with you. Be vigitant to follow governmental and societal laws, as you are almost to be sandwiched.
When you have arrived at the safety and comfort of your own home, double check that it is, indeed your home. Leave your ingredients in the main carriage of your conveyance. Unlock the door, but if you cannot, feel free to throw a rock or other large object (your sister will work nicely) through a window and climb in without allowing any of your body to come in contact with any of the glass. Move the glass, if need be, by pinching the original flat edges of the new pieces with your index and thumb and without letting any other part of your hand come in contact with glass. Carefully place the glass pieces in your neighbor's hedge. Enter your house through  whatever door, window, or hole blown in the building, without cutting or otherwise harming yourself. Take ingredients with you. Maintain their integrity. You are so close.
Enter the house with senses on full alert. If you detect a threat or other danger, throw the ingredients directly at it and run like a wounded wombat. Youtube this now if you are unsure of the methodology involved. If, however, everything seems safe (barring the obvious destruction of your own means of entrance), enter the kitchen or other room with likely food-related utensils and turn on the light. If the light fails to turn on (perhaps due to the structural damage due to your entrance), abort, as the house is likely far more unsafe than you, cretin, gave it credit. Ghosts live in the dark. Remove all packaging, bagging, toxins, razor blades, or any other danger and hindrance from your ingredients and place them within reachable distance in separate piles, puddles, or globs on a table, counter, floor, or other stable, solid, permanent, non-porous surface. Locate and acquire a knife, spatula, or spoon of any non-toxic, dishwasher-safe substance. So close! If  none are readily available, give up after five minutes of searching and instead use your hand for the purpose. If the bread is not sliced, make sure nothing but bread is under the knife, and cut or roughly break the loaf perpendicularly to the stable surface into slices the width of a finger and the height of the bread itself. Using utensil or appendage,  scoop no more than a handful of j, j, or p onto one planar face of bread, taking care to not choose a face which once was crust. lay bread down on the stable surface in a new pile with j, j, or p face up. Repeat scooping action with gif, but on top of the j, j, or p. Place a new, different slice of bread with a roughly congruent planar face so that the j, j, or p and Jif are between it and the other slice, orienting both slices in such a way so as to make them parallel, or as close as can be allowed. If at any point in the assemblage you are foxed by a quandry, attempt to reverse, outwit, or remove the source of your problems. If impossible, retrieve your sister from her prone place in the windowframe, and have her do it. Sandwich!

If all else fails, combine all ingredients in a bag, box, or container. Close the container. Shake mildly. If evolutionists are to be believed, a proto-sandwichoid will appear within several billion years. Consumption is your own problem. Enjoy!