2.9

The Don’t Do It Gang

Radio serial theme music.

Narrator: This is the continuing adventure of the Don’t Do It Gang.
Chorus: Don’t do it! Don’t–don’t do it!
Narrator: That’s right, kids. The Don’t Do It Gang is brought to you by K-PURE and the Chaste United Network for Noble Youth. This week, we catch up with Bertha and Marjorie after school, shirking on helping their kindly parents.

Sounds of birds and crunching leaves.

Marjorie: Bertha, wait for me! Why are you going so fast?
Bertha: I don’t want any boys to follow us! All the boys in our class are so dull.
Marjorie: Yes, I’m only into older boys. Like Timmy Hornbuckle.
Bertha: Timmy Hornbuckle? Is that why you asked him and Jummy Trunkuncle to meet us at the reservoir?
Marjorie: Yes. I’m hoping Timmy will kiss me . . . again.

Music sting.

Bertha: (Gasps) He kissed you!

Both girls titter.

Bertha: Well, I’ll distract Jummy if you want. Just imagine if our parents found out!
Marjorie: Ugh. I can’t imagine what Ted would do.

Footsteps still. The birds are muffled and there builds a low droning hum.

Bertha: Oh, I forgot your step-father. (She shivers aloud) He’s so weird.
Marjorie: Mother thinks he’s so great, but she doesn’t know he’s been gone from the house for hours in the middle of the night all last week.
Bertha: But how did you find out?
Marjorie: On Monday morning at four o’clock, the hamster was screaming in the front room, and I went to find out what was wrong. I saw Ted pulling into the driveway in his ratty yellow Beetle. The clock started ringing and it just wouldn’t stop, and I . . . I . . .

Clock reverberates.

Bertha: Oh, Marjy!
Marjorie: The hamster was still screaming when Ted came in. He stopped and took his glasses off, and then (breaking) picked up poor Coffeecan and winged him out the front door like a baseball pitch.
Bertha: Oh . . .
Marjorie: Mother saw his empty cage in the morning and said it was the cat who got him. But I know the truth.
Bertha: That Ted! Poor Coffeecan.
Marjorie: He always was so Chock Full o’ Nuts!
Bertha: What will you do?

Low, insistent strings from the orchestra.

Marjorie: (regaining herself) I don’t know, Beth. He told me to come home straight after school today to help him move that nasty sailboat of his, but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t be alone with him; Mother’s always at the quilting bee on Thursdays.
Bertha: Well, you can distract yourself with Timmy. Come on, then.
A few fading footsteps.
Bertha: Come on, then, Marjy! W–wait. Marjy, what’s that!?

Music sting. Fast footsteps.

Marjorie: Oh, oh no!

Strings to fever pitch.

Both: It’s Timmy Hornbuckle!

Both panic.

Bertha: Do you think he’s dead?
Marjorie: Timmy, Timmy, wake up.
Bertha: There’s so much blood—
Marjorie: What have I done?!

Background sobbing.

Narrator: That’s right, children. This is what you can expect will happen if you’re as sexually libertine as these girls. Marjorie has clearly killed Timmy with her disgusting licentiousness. She should have remained pure and helped her step-father, who is obviously a stand-up citizen and not guilty of any crime. Now, because of her kiss before marriage, she’s pregnant with Timmy’s child.
Marjorie: Bertha, I don’t feel so good.
Narrator: That’s morning sickness. It only happens to women who can’t wait for marriage to kiss.
Bertha: What’s happening!?

An enormous slorp and a baby crying.

Marjorie: (Screaming) God, why!?
Narrator: Too late to ask him for help.
Marjorie: (Screaming) I’m not ready to be a single mother!
Narrator: It’s a shame, really. Two lives ruined, and it could have all been avoided. Just . . . Don’t Do It.
Chorus: Don’t do it! Don’t–don’t do it!
Narrator: Join us next time, when we learn about the horrors of the m-word.
Male voice: (Screaming) My eyes!

The low drone returns, louder than before.

Narrator: Until then, remember: (through teeth) if the urge to get off the nut comes on you, don’t do it.