I was having the simplest dream in existence. I was walking into the vaguest building that I have ever not seen--more the idea of a building--and I see my ex standing outside. I pause. I am just cogent enough that I can think "Maybe she'll forgive me in my dream, and I'll get the closure I've been seeking in life." I wasn't yet awake enough to remember that I never get anything I want in my dreams. So I approach her and say "Kayla, will you forg-" and she runs away over sand dunes that suddenly appear.
I run after her, but as soon as I crest a dune, she's on the top of the next one. I don't get any closer. So I keep running. Finally, I end up on top of a dune, and she on top of an adjacent pyramid.
"Why do you think you need it?" she yelled.
"I don't think! I know!"
"As far as I'm concerned, you don't!"
I bring all of my anger, fear and hurt to my chest and bellow "I would have my bond!"
My phone vibrates on the bed near my head and I roll over. Curtis is calling to wake me up five minutes before my alarm. Thanks, Curtis. Whatever, I wasn't going to get closure anyway. DreamKayla is more enigmatic than RealityKayla, if that's possible. So I roll out of bed, murmuring Shakespeare to myself.
"If every ducat in five thousand was in five parts, and every part a ducat, I would have my bond."
Oh, Shylock. You know the part when Shylock chooses to get his bond regardless of the cost is the part when he ceases to be "Shylock" and starts being the "Jew."
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry.
I think you DID get what you need in the dream, if you didn't get what you want. Stop seeking forgiveness. There's your answer. Forgive yourself for whatever you think you did, and move on. I think that's what the dream was saying. I could be wrong. Just a theory.
ReplyDeleteI don't like what you said. I don't want it. I don't agree with parts of it.
ReplyDeleteBut at its core, you're right.
I have already said to myself that "Maybe I will never be forgiven." Basically, I can't control that. I can still whine about it. I can still want it. But I can't do anything about it, so why would I?
This is vaguely inappropriate, perhaps, but you reminded me of something from "Cabin Pressure" just now:
ReplyDelete"Well, at least I've made my point."
"Yes, you have. I have disagreed with it; I will do nothing about it."
It was funny in the radio show (perhaps partially because the first speaker was Benedict Cumberbatch and the second was a guy with an outrageous French accent), but now it's all serious.
I can understand why you want this, and I'm really sorry you haven't been able to find closure with all of this. I know that moving on takes time, but I can't seem to help wanting you to just be completely happy right now. Still, though, it's a process, and I know that someday, you'll find peace with this and figure out what you need and build a better future.
All of that said, though, I think you can actually do something about this. What that something is (probably written communication?) and whether it's a good idea (probably not), however, are still up for debate.