This is not a pitiful story.
I wrote a paragraph about a cracked glass. I hated it.
Three sentences a day is supposed to be enough, right? But I've lost the edge I once had. I'm incapable of writing about anyone but myself because I don't know anyone else. My parents are too happy or too sad, I'm not sure. My friends are thousands of miles away. The people I interact with daily are either not daily or just shallow acquaintances. I'm sequestered. I don't listen to people or watch them interact anymore.
Maybe this teaching thing will be good for me, to have a responsibility every day again for a time. I just hate having to do something I didn't choose for myself, don't understand completely, am not excellent at. I hate it.
That's why I hate writing, finally. I might not be good at it anymore.
This is weepy.
I'm done.
Maybe I'll write something good for you tomorrow. Something enticing, something about a sword and an enemy and three paths at a fork in the woods. Something ugly and acceptable and loving taking the place of the beautiful broken people in your life.
Maybe I'll stop writing about her.
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This reminded me of this: http://rolereboot.org/sex-and-relationships/details/2017-09-dear-dana-break-someone-move/
ReplyDelete1) Where did the three sentences thing come from?
ReplyDelete2) I don't even know where you're located right now. I still assume I'm thousands of miles away, but that's the case with me and my closest friends anyway. It's not fun and it takes even more work to maintain those relationships. Worth it, though.
3) You're teaching again? What grades/level/etc? How did that happen?
4) You are a good writer.
5) You don't have to write for us if you need to write for you. Like, if you needed permission (which you don't but if you do anyway), here it is.
6) Yeah, having spent a week in a flat in London with your sister and your dad...well, yeah, I don't completely get your dad, either, regarding that sad/happy dichotomy.
7) I had no number seven, but I wanted a seventh item anyway.
1. Tim Layle
ReplyDelete2. Oregon
3. Substituting for 12th and 10th
4. Thanks. I need more practice. That's not humility; I can just tell I'm not as good as I once was.
5. This is where I write, whether for me or anybody else.
6. Dad's old. Maybe that just happens to old people.
7. Ok.
Pretty good advice, I think, Janelle.
Problem: it has been several years now and I still dream about her on the d.l. so I worry that I'm still on fire. I'm not excited about lighting someone up.
Also, I'm not done writing about her. It's just like scooping the scum off the top of a pond; it comes back but you keep doing it so you can swim in the darn thing.
*Lale
DeleteYou ever read that Reddit post about grief waves? I think this is similar.
ReplyDeleteI do not believe I have. I will google it.
ReplyDelete"Aimer, c’est donner ce qu’on n’a pas à quelqu’un qui n’en veut pas." - Jacques Lacan
ReplyDelete