I understand that power corrupts. People say it all the time. But it hasn't affected me.
Every day, I hear from people how pious I am, how holy I am, and how perfect I am. And yet, though I know I'm never to be haughty or proud, could they say it if it wasn't true? At least part of it?
I have to assume that I am the exception to the rule. Power without corruption: my life.
So, if I am uncorrupted, my desires are pure. It logically follows. So, if I am right in wanting this woman, taking her is the only possible course. To deny myself would be like denying the mandate of a holy man.
I am a holy man.
I will take her, then. Won't I?
--David, Son of Jesse
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Oh, this.
ReplyDeleteThis puts into words many things with which I have beaten myself since I was seven, follows a train of thought I would never dare follow, and leaves me incredibly sad and somewhat worried.
I need to believe David never thought like this. I can see how he would, though. I can see that.
I like that you call him Son of Jesse.
I don't know, Janelle.
ReplyDeleteThis is all writing for me to figure my life out. It's not working just yet.
I know you're trying to figure stuff out. I don't know how true this is, but it feels like you feel stuck.
ReplyDeleteDon't get too caught up with thinking, okay? You could spend forever trying to work stuff out in your head and never be satisfied.
Would anything good happen if you acted as if you knew, as if you felt right? What would that even look like? What do you wish you felt were true?
If the above is true, David talked himself into being what he had spent his whole life trying not to be by convincing himself that he wasn't. But he forgot why he wasn't in the first place.
Oh, I don't know, Janelle. You're right. I'm still trying to decide if I'm wanting the right thing.
ReplyDeleteBut you can't change what you want, so why does it matter?
ReplyDeleteI mean, what you want doesn't matter. Whether or not you want a certain thing, you are responsible for certain things that God has entrusted to you to do. He doesn't ask you if you want to do them; He just asks you to trust Him and obey.
ReplyDeleteSure, there are things that aren't super-obvious, like what color shirt to wear or what girl to date or whether or not to rescue a puppy from the pound, but if you're in the habit of doing what is right regardless of wanting, I think God has a better chance of telling you what you should want. But He's not going to make you want it, and you're not going to be able to make yourself want it . . . He'll just say, "This way," and the rest is up to you.
I have no idea if this makes sense. I can't find the right words. I'll try again when I know German.
So . . . maybe the "seek ye first" thing makes sense, after all.
ReplyDeleteBecause German is an appropriate language for talking about desire?
ReplyDeleteIt is now.
ReplyDeleteI don't know enough of it to make anything make sense, but I find it rather beautiful, and all the German people I know seem such romantic souls . . . it seems they'd know something about it.
Janelle is so good at sense-making. Yes. I can words.