Her smile jars me out of my complacency.
I am against the burning of books, the shredding of poems, the destruction of memories. I believe that everything anyone makes should be preserved as well as possible, to contribute to the collective identity of our race. When society ends and the world burns, we will at least have memories.
And yet--the desire to delete her sweeps over me. I didn't know I had taken her picture. I didn't know I hadn't moved her to my hard drive. I didn't know I still had memories to unearth.
I remember when I took the picture. We were sitting on a bench, happy, avoiding mosquitoes. But it was strained happiness. She was thinking about classwork. I was thinking about her. When two people try to have a conversation about different things, the words usually tend to end. So we smiled a bit more and she said that she had better get to class, and I said I had better let her go, and I took a picture and kissed her goodbye.
And now her bittersweet smile rips through my pretenses and leaves me angry at my dichotomy:
destroy the memory
or
remember the pain?
a) Your writing is a Thompson Orchard apple. You amaze me. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteb) Set it aside for a while. Like a year or two. Can you do that?
a) Thanks? Apple-wise, I'm not sure how that rates.
ReplyDeleteb) No. I have to process it now. If I leave it, who knows what untold harm it could cause? At least this way I'm aware of the harm it's causing and I can possibly avert some of it.
All I've ever had are girlfriends who try to leave it for a while and see if they get better. I'm sure it helps them. It screws me over.
I'm against the destroying of memory-inducing items as well, but you're right, that mindset does leave you with a hard decision at certain times. I'm envious of your writing...
ReplyDeleteFor this reason I am glad I have never owned a camera.
ReplyDeleteAt least you're feeling--and processing. That's important.
Haha, whatever Ali. I want to read that story about the guy in class who has to wear the belly. I think it's gonna turn out stellar, so don't tell me you can't write.
ReplyDeleteYeah, it's for this reason that I own a camera. If I don't remember how it was good at one point, how can I ever drag myself away from blaming her and hating myself?
Oh yeah -- are you doing anything with that story, Ali? Please say yes!
ReplyDeletea) Those are my favorite apples.
b) I see what you mean. What I meant, though, was more along the lines of "Acknowledge the hurt and frustration and whatnot. Then decide to let it go until you can deal with it without doing something you might regret later." Don't keep returning to it, even though it's really easy to do (like a dog returning to its vomit), and beat yourself with it. Then maybe, one day, you'll wake up and discover that it doesn't hurt so much . . . that's the hope, anyway.
But this is your healing process, not anyone else's, so do what works best for you, and then don't torture yourself with whatever other options you considered.