The worst part of being depressed is knowing that you're depressed. I had a good friend describe depression as a warm blanket of sad that he wrapped around himself. Feeling like a victim made all the bad things explainable, made all of the hurt make sense. Everything felt a little safer when he knew what to expect (more pain) and knew it wouldn't change anything (still sad).
But since I know about it, all the imbecilic, asinine, comforting things that everyone does don't work. I can see right through my ploy. I can moan and cry and slap my head and say "stoppit idiot, you don't deserve to be sad. This is a phase, it will pass, and your life is still better than a lot of people's" and it still doesn't make any of the pain go away. So then I get depressed about the fact that I'm depressed and nothing makes sense any longer.
Basically, I preclude my own ability to feel good, heartwarming sorrow. Idiot.
Apparently I wrote this in february. I'm leaving it because I'm an idiot and I feel better when there's proof. Haha. Bittersweet happiness.
ReplyDeleteThis feels very familiar to me. Still, it's more or less relavent. Or... relephant. Sorry. I love that word.
ReplyDelete"Feeling like a victim" indeed. Everyone's a victim.