"The only REAL big problem I have with being forced into making the first move is that it lulls my girlfriends into a sense of complacency. If it doesn't work, it's not their fault. If we aren't having any fun, it's not because of them. If we aren't dynamite, they point fingers."
The man in the other booth waved his hands a little too frenetically as his friend tried to move coffee out of the way.
"Just for a while, I would like to have a woman who suggests dates we can go on, who vehemently takes a stand on something she likes and tries to include me in it, who will confront me with the facts if something goes wrong. Someone who lives. Someone who is vibrant and alive.
Just for a while, I would like a partner, and not a sponge. Then I can die happy and alone."
Rachel peeked over the top of her newspaper and stared quietly at the end of a dying conversation. She tried to speak up but her words died before they formed.
"I'm not a sponge."
He left ten minutes later and she added it to the list of things she regretted.
Sorry, Brooke. Though you have a month of happiness, I think I used up all my happiness last May. I'll work on getting it back.
ReplyDeleteAre you happy with what you did with your happiness? Maybe you could find it somewhere else, instead of where you left it.
ReplyDeleteWhat am I even saying anymore? I have no idea.
I think it's interesting that only Rachel gets a name.
She's the only character in this story, so I think it's okay. It's from her perspective anyway.
ReplyDeleteWhat sucks is that I understand why the words died before she got them out.
ReplyDeleteI definitely could see the friend moving the coffee out of the way; it made me chuckle.
Don't apologize. I never asked you to be happy. Finish the emotions you have now--then move on. (Just don't wallow--please, don't wallow.)
ReplyDeleteI could say many things. But I don't think any of them are the right ones.
By that I mean that sometimes I wish we could have this conversation in person, were there is more room for ramble, and less pressure to say whatever you must in a few sentences--and where there is more of a guide to what would be the most relevant.
(On the other hand, I am glad to have conversation here, where I feel almost no hesitancy to speak. [Which is bad late at night, when I have too much of nothing to say.])
I know a lot of women who do this sort of thing. UGH.
ReplyDeleteWell, this blog post prompted by: http://kungfuforest.wordpress.com/2011/01/26/dear-blake/
I don't know if they necessarily do it on purpose.
ReplyDeleteYou know many women who do what sort of thing-- act as sponges or let their voices die, or are those both somewhat the same thing?
ReplyDeleteI think everybody does that sometimes. A friend told me once that being a unique and interesting individual all the time is exhausting.
In my experience, being afraid of expressing oneself (either by refusing to offer opinions when asked or refusing to speak up for oneself when not asked) is a response to something or someone else and shouldn't be used to define a person forever and always.
But then, I'm not an authority on stuff, so I could be entirely wrong.
So the question is then, how do we tell if we are being a sponge? and if we are, how do stop?
ReplyDeleteProbably the only reason why I'm answering this is that I am still awake and it's something to do. It's not going to be a good answer.
ReplyDeleteFirst, if someone else thinks you're being a sponge, he or she should say so? Then you'd know. The nature of the complaint should probably offer some idea of how to stop?
Second, if no one says so . . . ask, or check your happiness level, or look at your interests and see if there's something on there that you don't do with your regular group of friends? I don't know. The solution can probably always be prayer?
Well, if it's the not-expressing oneself thing, then it's most likely a response to her past.
ReplyDeleteFor example (and this isn't the best example in the world, but it is an example), I used to talk about my writing to anyone who would listen. I was finally excited about doing something since I hated school so much; I had been so bored, and writing fiction made life and school interesting again. I was on my way down to academy for the first time ever, and I was talking about my characters, and my mom goes, "Is that all you ever talk about?" I've never talked about my writing to her ever again, and not very often to other people as well.
And as regarding other people, perhaps the main character in your piece here has been shot down by people so much that it would take a great deal of effort to overcome all that. Maybe someone she thought was a friend completely dropped all acquaintance with her through a letter and ignored her for the rest of the time they were at school together. Maybe it's a failing of hers that it's difficult to get through/over/pickapreposition, but that's why she regrets it.
You know many women who do what sort of thing-- act as sponges or let their voices die, or are those both somewhat the same thing?
ReplyDelete-- Both. I know sponges (some from experience, ugh) and I know women who let their voices die. Perhaps it's just me, but I want a woman who will talk to me and consequences be damned.
So the question is then, how do we tell if we are being a sponge? and if we are, how do stop?
-- You could ask. I suppose. I think the main thing is be aware that it could happen and fight against it. Try to include the guy. Ask him on a date. Make stuff work. It's super hard right now because of school and work and things, but if you want it to work, it should work, right? MAKE TIME, PLEASE. That's what I wanted to yell four months ago, but when I did, she took it as an insult. I don't think it should be.
First, if someone else thinks you're being a sponge, he or she should say so?
--Sponges don't take kindly to that. It's pretty much the worst insult. (For some reason).
The nature of the complaint should probably offer some idea of how to stop?
--Yeah, I mean. . . if someone isn't specific in their complaint, how will you know what to fix?
I've never talked about my writing to her ever again, and not very often to other people as well.
--That's sad. Why do you allow other people to dictate even a small portion of what you are? I suppose it's safer. Pick your battles, right?
Maybe it's a failing of hers that it's difficult to get through/over/pickapreposition, but that's why she regrets it.
--Probably is, but Rome was not built in a day.
Well, Robby suggested I start posting on here since I was already telling him my opinions on this.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure a girl has to have certain problems in her past to "sponge" like this and put the expectations on the guy. As a guy, admittedly one with little experience in this area, I feel that these expectations are often placed on the guy regardless of who the girl is. Maybe it's even a societal thing? It is really hard on guys though. We want to be interesting and make your day, but we only have so much creativity.
Hello, Chris!
ReplyDeleteI've never talked about my writing to her ever again, and not very often to other people as well.
ReplyDelete--That's sad. Why do you allow other people to dictate even a small portion of what you are? I suppose it's safer. Pick your battles, right?
++Well, it would be safer/is safer, but I'm trying to fix that part of my life. I'm a work in progress, thank God. Just saying.
Maybe it's a failing of hers that it's difficult to get through/over/pickapreposition, but that's why she regrets it.
--Probably is, but Rome was not built in a day.
++That's why I'm a work in progress. :D (Oh, and this is a little late-coming, but I think I'm mature. Maybe I'm not by certain standards, but I think I am.)
Chris: I definitely think it's a societal thing, and some of us are learning that it's okay to go against a deeply held societal thing. :D
My conclusions: I think the important thing is to have someone to whom you can talk. And with whom you can discuss whatever needs to be said (including all this stuff, of course). The most important thing is communication-if communication is open and honest, everything else will fall into place (or out of place, and then you can end it before you go too far). (And, of course, this takes two. If one person won't communicate, the whole relationship will suffer. And the other can do nothing about it.)
ReplyDeleteThank you, Brooke. Very concice.
ReplyDeleteYeah, Ashlee. Everybody has problems. I know a few women who specifically struggle with just this sort of thing. The fact that you're at least aware of it is definitely important, and, I daresay, the first step.
I'm aware of my problems! The difficulty is starting working on them.
"Concice" is how it should be.
ReplyDeleteI am a horrible, horrible grammar nazi person thing.
Oh, this year has been a growing year, for sure. God has given me friends that push me to grow.
ReplyDelete