I paused, shuddered, and stopped thinking for a second. Why did she say that? "Any girl would be lucky to have you?" What? If any girl would be lucky to have me, and you know it, and you are a girl (inherently included in "any") why aren't you all over me right now?
No, that's your way of saying "Hey, buddy! I like you an a totally platonic way and want to preemptively make sure that you understand that this isn't going anywhere. So, I'll say a nice thing to you in such a way as to redirect your affections elsewhere!" That's not a nice way of going about it.
I turned around and looked at "any woman." Sarah walked past and didn't even acknowledge me. Kari was making out with her boyfriend. Daniella told me last week that she was interested in Mary, and Mary had told me a month before that she was interested in Daniella. Tashi took one look at my physique stick and walked away. Gloria got married to my best friend after telling me that she didn't want anyone but me. Annalee broke up with me because I was too "clingy." Tabitha turned me down because I had dated Annalee. Chelsea is so shy she won't talk to me, or look me in the eye, or respond to other people when I'm within earshot.
Woman, next time you say "Any woman would be lucky to have you," do your research. Viperess.
Yay! You're back! I get lonely.
ReplyDeleteAww. Apparently, you get lonely, too. Or, you know, at least "you" do. But this feels kind of . . . personal.
Still, though, that's not always a woman's way of saying that women don't want something more. Some women don't want to be seen as "forward" or "desperate" or whatever else. Often, your interpretation is right, but not always. Oh, and I think it's a good thing that not "any woman" wants "you." "You" don't want "any woman," do "you"? It goes both ways. Plus . . . "luck" is different from the "wanting" you focus on.
I DID tell you I was in the mood to argue. Sorry about that. You're too nice.
Awesome name choices! I particularly like "Tabitha" because every "Tabitha" I know is a cat (and not just the one I own right now).
I get lonely, too. I think that's why we all talk on the Internet even though we see each other in real life.
ReplyDeleteI agree, it's not a nice way to go about saying that, but I also agree with Janelle. Sometimes when a woman says that, they're trying (in their own awkward way) to know that they see that they could be interested in the "you" but that they don't want to look forward or desperate.
Society is harsh to both men and women in this area, in my opinion, even if I only really understand how it's harsh to the particular side I belong to. For example, society seems to say that a woman somehow has to have opinions but to not be too opinionated, to be smart but not too smart, to be confident but not standoffish, to be vulnerable but not needy, etc.
And maybe I just don't see it the way I should, but I get frustrated with a world that seems to tell me to be myself and not to be myself at the same time. Yeah, I'm learning that I get my value from God, but it sure would be nice to have actually gone on a date by the time I turn 24 in August. (If that makes any sense.)
And the statement goes both ways and it really sucks to be told it--because I agree, if "you" think "I'm" so great, why aren't "you" doing something about it? Except to girls we get told that we're the "marriageable" type, not the "dating" type. (What the heck is that supposed to mean, anyway?)
Also, R.W., if I've been guilty of saying that (I don't remember if I have), I'm sorry because I don't want to make people feel that way. Also, I apologize due to the length of this response. I truly think it's the most I've ever responded to one of your posts.
@Janelle:
ReplyDeleteI have been told this. Once, 3 years ago. It didn't hurt so much because I liked the girl who said it (I didn't) but because I knew it was a total broken chicken of a lie. And this ^ story is what I believed it meant.
I didn't feel it to this extreme, but I have talked to guys who do.
@Ashlee: Yeah, I can see what you mean with the "perhaps they didn't mean it that way" but I can't account for that. I can only tell my story.
Sorry for the double standards on women. Here's my secret to living a fulfilling life: be yourself. If you're trying to catch bass, you don't fish with a flyreel, and if you're trying to catch trout, you don't fish with worms. So if you're trying to catch a man who will like somebody else, sure. Change who you are. But if you won't be satisfied with that, choose who you want to be and then find a man who's looking for flies, not worms. It's kind of an odd metaphor, but it's workable.
As for "marriage not dating material," a guy I know snagged the taskforce assistant dean at his highschool after chicks said that about him. "Oh, he's the kind of guy I would marry, but not the kind of guy I would date." He's been married 25 years.
Robby: "broken chicken." What is it with you and killing birds? Have you been literalizing your metaphors [again]? Because the stones thing will probably never work on a chicken and a duck. They're so rarely in the same place at the same time.
ReplyDeleteWell, whoever told you that was right in one way and wrong in another. I'm sorry it hurt you at all.
Ashlee, you have a way with words. I totally understand where you're coming from, and I've been there/am there? I don't know. I mean, we're different, but similar. I'm sorry it hurts and is frustrating and everything. You deserve better (and I'm really not just saying that).
I know it doesn't help, but . . . I shall add to the long comments of sadness.
I'm still a little bitter about the fact that every single guy near my age I've ever met who wasn't related to us, or already married who met my sister before she got married always chose to be friends with me but pursue her (often asking me for advice in this).
I have a lot of great guy friends now, and she's pretty much just friends with her husband. And I know I was protected from a lot of the heartache that she had to deal with, but still. I've only ever been asked out by a thirty-something-year-old man (this when I was seventeen) and a sixteen-year-old boy who lived seven hundred miles away from me.
Of course, to be honest, I wouldn't even know what to do if someone ever were interested in me. I'd probably run away. Because I've never been anything but alone, and, honestly, I don't think I'd believe him. After all, he's never met my sister.
Can you spell "angst"? Good grief.
@Robby: Oh, well, I wasn't expecting you to tell any story but your own. It's that whole "write what you know" thing, which is both good and bad advice. I prefer you telling your story--it's what any of us can do. In no way was I trying to say that what you wrote was invalid. Unfortunately, some women do exactly what you wrote. (Incidentally, I started writing "leider" instead of "unfortunately" and was like, "Um, you're writing in English.")
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to be myself. I'm more myself now than I was in high school, for sure. (Then again, it was high school, but that's a different topic.) So I'm still sitting in the boat with my flies on the line and waiting. Knowing my luck though, there'd randomly be some flying fish that jumps into my boat when I'm least expecting it. But until that, waiting, which seems to be some of the hardest part of it.
@Janelle: Long comments of sadness? Well, maybe, but also honesty. That's a virtue, Franklin said. Thanks, though. Hm. The only time I think I've ever been hit on was last year at the church when this thirty to forty year old asked me if I wanted to chat with him some time. I said no, handed him back the business card with his Yahoo! address on it, and then realized what had happened. Talk about weird.
I think one of my biggest problems is that I don't understand what's "wrong" with me. (Since I'm trying to be myself, there's something wrong with that entire thought, but on my more cynical days about this topic, that's what I think.) Somehow I always end up as the great friend, which isn't necessarily bad. Last night my housemates and I were talking about a topic similar to this, and we came to the conclusion that one needs to have friends of both genders and that one needs to learn how to set boundaries and what not, when one is inside a relationship and outside a relationship.
Anyway, this has been another long comment of mine.
Yeah, being the friend is no fun. It's more fun to be the somebody.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I must say that I thank you for the recommendation of that song by Cake. Weird video, spot-on words. And on that topic, I will say no more at present.
ReplyDelete(Wow. Long comments much?)
ReplyDeleteAshlee: You are too kind. Yeah, that is weird.
ReplyDeleteRobby: Being the friend means you get to watch the somebody get hurt over and over and over and over again and you can't do anything about it. But at least your heart isn't the one getting broken.
Brooke: (No kidding.)
One's heart doesn't hurt when a good friend's sortof girlfriend who was his girlfriend (really, don't ask, I think it's some personally chosen form of limbo since he still loves her and wants to keep trying to stop the sortof stuff) keeps hurting him because she's an idiot and he deserves better than being treated like that? *sigh* Mine does.
ReplyDeleteOogh. That's rough. Here's the thing: nobody's perfect, and everybody makes mistakes. So . . . I guess it's good to just have fun when you can and be satisfied with screwing up? I don't know.
ReplyDeleteStill trying to process that out.
Yeah--I'm not sure what to think about it, except that I know it's really hurt him. (It's the same situation that I got that whole analogything out of that I put on my blog, FYI.)
ReplyDeleteI agree that no one's perfect, that everyone makes mistakes. But where a mistake becomes willful? Harder to process. For me, at least.
Ashlee: Oh, no, one's heart does hurt. Probably as much as, if not more, than the heart that she keeps breaking. I'm sorry about that, by the way.
ReplyDeleteRobby: Be satisfied with screwing up? I think yes and no. Yes as in, not incessantly flogging oneself or others for mistakes, but no as in, giving up on not screwing up. But then . . . I don't know. What Ashlee said?
Satisfied with screwing up: I think it's better to accept the fact that you will screw up--because it happens, whoopdiedo--but then use that screw up to become better. Learn from the past. REMEMBER the lessons you learn while screwing up--if for no other reason than to not repeat them.
ReplyDeleteI dwell a lot on my mistakes.
ReplyDeleteI dwell on many things I shouldn't. And some things I should. (I imagine it's pretty much the same for everyone.)
ReplyDeleteOh, yes, it's pretty much the same for everyone.
ReplyDeleterobby, I can very much identify with this. It drives me nuts when girls say stuff like that. I have been told by girls that I am: A: sweet, B: considerably attractive (7/10 sometimes higher) C: funny, D:smart. and yet I've kissed 1 girl ever. and she wasn't even adventist, she was baptist. I have never found an adventist girl whom I would like to date, that feels the same. it feels so patronizing when girls say stuff like that.
ReplyDeleteI hate the damage we do to each other. On behalf of whatever girls want me to speak for them, I apologize to all of you guys.
ReplyDeleteWell that's good.
ReplyDeleteHuh. How is that supposed to affect me?
ReplyDeleteYou mean you don't want a mail-away-bride, Robby?
ReplyDeleteI would like a mail-in bride. If I get one, I want to keep her, not mail her away.
ReplyDeleteOhho.
ReplyDeleteThank you for not calling them "mail-order" brides. Because that always sounds like "male-order," which seems . . . problematic.
ReplyDeleteI have lost it.