Understanding comes in pops and bursts. You probably didn't realize your ice cream dripped until you felt cold. You probably didn't figure out a math problem until you worked it through in your head. You probably didn't understand the laughter the first time it was pointed at you. You probably didn't understand loss, or hatred, or lust until long after they slapped you in the face like so many wet fish fillets.
And every time a bubble of know pops on your head, you have two point five four seven six one one nine seconds to recognize whether it was a good know or a bad know. You have to figure out whether or not you really wanted that information or if you'd be better off without it. Within that two point and so on seconds, you can rationalize the understanding away. After that, it sticks with you. You can rationalize away that your parents had sex to make you. You can rationalize away that your friend is using you to get dates. You can rationalize away that you haven't talked to God since the last time you needed something. You can rationalize, but only for so long. And then it's done.
You have to remember that your ex broke up with you because of boredom. You have to remember that your dog died because of chocolate. You have to remember that your gym teacher complimented your butt surreptitiously. You have to remember that your nose is too large for your face.
But, if you practice, you can hit that two point and whatever seconds every time and continually forget what you've learned. You can stay with him even though he hits you. You can live there even though there's asbestos. You can be happy even though you have cancer. You can forget everything you ever knew.
So just aim for that roughly two and a half second gap and you'll live a long, happy, imbecilic life.
Because ignorance really is bliss.
(1. I like this--well written.)
ReplyDelete2. Interesting concept--understanding is epiphany (my favorite word). I agree.
3. Yes, the practiced mind can forget. (And it is good to do so.) And the master uses that 2.5 seconds to determine what is worthy of remembrance.
I like this. I want to know why you wrote it, but there are so many things that go into that that never mind.
ReplyDeleteI think there is a reason "sadder" is so often linked with "wiser" and why "curiosity" is linked with "death." But we've already talked about that, and it's useless thoughts anyway. :-)
I don't think this post is my best. It needs to be cleaned up superbad and must be much more concise. But thanks.
ReplyDeleteI wrote it because I've been rejecting thinking that my ex is just inherently bad at breaking up. I might have to accept it one of these days.
Sounds like you already did. Because you're thinking about it and considering the possibility at all.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think it's funny that (Janelle?) said that curiosity is often linked with death. I think it's funny because of all the times I've nearly died to satisfy curiosity, and because I'd never thought of it that way before.
Also, I'm appallingly bad at forgetting.
Robby: Sure, you can make it more concise and clean it up and stuff, but it's a blog, and you made your point, and you made it well. Deal with it.
ReplyDeleteAs for the other . . . don't beat yourself up about this anymore.
Lyssa: I like your thoughts, and yes, I'm Janelle.
Yeah, I'm bad at forgetting, too, unless it's something I'm not supposed to forget.
I'm not super good at forgetting things. It's a problem that comes with a good memory. But God and I are working on the forgetting that comes with forgiving, 'cause that's not necessarily something I'm good at.
ReplyDeleteTime to go write my feature on the Writing Center.
Oh, we're supposed to forgive AND forget? That changes everything.
ReplyDelete:-)
Have fun writing!
Well, I think the forgetting part has two sections, one of which I agree with and the other not as much: 1) forgetting the deed ever existed and not changing a thing [this is the one I don't agree with. Stuff happens, and there are consequences to what happened], and 2) forgetting the way it made one feel, choosing to no longer let that feeling control oneself [this I agree with, just because if I remembered everything wrong ever done to me, I'd be eaten up with anger/depression/something equally not pleasant and be unable to really live]. We need God's help with the latter, I do believe, and we can easily fall into the trap of the first.
ReplyDeleteUGH
ReplyDeleteI am just dealing with it again. Trying to finish dealing with it. I suppose I should probably have dealt with it already? But the breakup is worse than the end of the relationship, can you believe it? I hope not.
Ashlee: Well said. So basically, the forgetting you're talking about is more about focus than deleting facts?
ReplyDeleteRobby: Sorry. I keep forgetting. I really wish I could help.
But then I remember how a similar experience was for me, and how every time I see him I get a little sad and a little angry, even though I proclaimed I was "over it" months ago, and there really wasn't even much for me to be "over" in the first place. It still hurts. Normally I just scold myself out of it, but I don't think that's the best way to go.
Just . . . I don't know. I'm sorry you're hurting.
Meh. I'll get around it or over it or under it or through it or preposition it somehow.
ReplyDeleteIsn't that a song or something: "Can't go over it, can't go under it-- we'll have to go THROUGH it . . . "
ReplyDeleteYeah, I guess it's more focus than deleting facts. Maybe that's out of context here.
ReplyDeleteAnd, yes, that's a song. I know it was a song I sang as a kid, but I can't place it. Ergh.
Ashlee, I don't think that's out of context.
ReplyDeleteI once participated in the worst break up in the world. (And it really was bad. BAD. This is very little hyperbole.) He was the break-uper and I the break-upee. And I've forgiven him--several times over. I'm glad he broke up with me--was from about an hour after the break up. And the whole things doesn't really matter anymore. But if I am honest with myself, I am still slightly bitter about the whole situation. (I am not lying when I say it was BAD.)
ReplyDeleteI have forgiven, but not completely forgotten. I don't know if I ever will completely forget. But it's not something I dwell on anymore--and that took time. Quite a few months actually. (It helped when he apologized a while later, though that kind of made me hate him for a bit after that.) But eventually it just didn't matter anymore. (I FORGOT to think about it, I guess.)
The point is, this does end.
Ugh, sorry Brooke. Horrible story. But it can't be the WORST break up, because you are still alive. And the WORST would be him killing you? For hurting him? I don't know.
ReplyDeleteI just . . . I think Kayla is a good girlfriend, a developing friend, and a horrible, horrible ex. But that's just for me.
She's a good person. If she reads this (there is a ten to the billionth power to one chance of that)
I WANT HER TO KNOW SHE IS A GOOD PERSON I DO NOT BLAME HER GRAAAAAA TALK TO ME ABOUT THINGS IT WILL NOT GO POORLY I PROMISE
And so now that that's out of the way, I am done. No more. You can talk all you want; that is it for today and maybe for a week.
I'm sorry for both of you.
ReplyDelete