3.21

I awoke this morning in a startled funk. I was dreaming that I was finally having a conversation I have wanted for ages. It has been my major emotional turmoil for months. I have wanted to finalize, finish, and end my state, but I couldn't. Because I couldn't have this conversation, I have been angry, sad, lonely, confused, and conflicted.

I was finally getting to talk about everything that happened. I was getting an explanation and closure. I was able to forgive and ask for forgiveness. I knew that at the end of this conversation, I would walk away okay again. I would finally have what I was looking for.

Three sentences in, my phone went off.

I had been sleeping so lightly my eyes were practically open, so I just flicked them and punched my phone. It shut up. Sometimes, I can go back to dreams, so I tried furiously for several seconds and then gave up. I mean, it wouldn't have been the actual conversation, true. But it would have felt like it. I could have learned at least what my brain was wanting.

I almost cried.