Man looked up at God and beamed. God sighed. "Well, um. . . " God began. I have to distract him so I can take time to do it right. "You just . . . nothing around here has names. Go name things. Take your time. Be thorough." That should do it for a few hours at least. Man, not being quite accustomed to being born, left to name things.
God went back and started drawing again. This time, I'll get it right.
Man came back a few hours later with a troubled look on his face. "Hey, God. I know that you're amazing and all powerful and all that, but there's only one of me, and there are two of everything else. What gives?"
God was ready. "Oh, that! Ho ho ho, you figured me out. Come here."
Man walked a little closer. God ripped out his rib. Man was a little perturbed.
God turned around and hunched over while Man passed out from blood loss. Three hours later, God was done with his crowning jewel. He set her down next to Man. Alright. Hopefully he doesn't notice the disparity between my works here. I mean, there is something to drafting and revision and all. And practice makes perfect. Just the same, I hope he doesn't notice.
Well, we noticed, God. The jig is up. On the one hand, ugh. Why do we men look like highly evolved baboons? On the other hand . . .
You know what? Forget all of it. You're forgiven. She's the best birthday present a man ever got.
I hope nobody takes this as sacrilegious. I didn't mean for it to be but it kind of could be taken that way.
ReplyDeleteP.S. this is not how I think it happened. BUT I have no other way to explain why we grow hair out of our faces (explain that without looking like an idiot) and we look like we were dropped from a great height.
This is the only way I can conceive of to explain the disparity between the sexes.
Actually, I really enjoyed this. (For one, it made God personal, and had a similar feel to the Diaries of Adam and Eve.) I've been waiting for you to write something along these lines.
ReplyDeleteBut, for the record, I would like to say that I find men pleasing to look at--jagged edges and all. (Not that women aren't aesthetically pleasing--what with curves and all--but men, well, we'll just leave it at I find men pleasing to look at.)
(I'm glad you're straight, Robby.)
"It's there, but ugh is it just uncanny valley all over."
ReplyDelete^This.
"I've been waiting for you to write something along these lines."
^And this.
"But, for the record, I would like to say that I find men pleasing to look at--jagged edges and all."
^Also this.
^_^
Anyway, yeah, I like the way men look. They look capable and strong. I guess I'd describe men as . . . jeeps and women as . . . gardens. Both jeeps and gardens have specific purposes, and both have a kind of beauty in them. One is built for action while the other is made for growth. Fulfilling that purpose creates beauty.
Well, I liked writing it. It worked. It was happy times, trying to see into God. He's a hard nut to crack.
ReplyDelete:)
ReplyDeleteHaha yep I enjoyed this one, once I got past the idea of God ever being late. It was...epic.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think men are pleasant to look at too. If I didn't, I would probably understand lesbians more. As it is, rugged is good. Very good. God said so. :)
Also I liked Adam passing out from blood loss. I'm not sure that's exactly how it happened, but it made me laugh. I wonder if Adam always had an indentation on his side from that day forward? I mean, God's not just gonna replace that sucker--he wouldn't have taken it in the first place if that was the case.
Also...I just liked it.
Yeah. I have heard from women that men are (for some reason or another) attractive to them. BUT at the same time, I don't want to believe it because I look at us and the difference is just so shameful.
ReplyDeleteThere are a lot of ideas in this post that I don't agree with, specifically the fallibility of God, but it's not why I was writing it, and I hope that comes across.
I definately pictured adam with an anime face when he was passed out. one of those "X.X" faces lol. I loved this. it might be my new favorite of yours lol.
ReplyDeleteHaha winnnn
ReplyDeleteThanks, Kyle.
"Yeah. I have heard from women that men are (for some reason or another) attractive to them. BUT at the same time, I don't want to believe it because I look at us and the difference is just so shameful."
ReplyDeleteUgh, Robby, don't be me.
Anyway, I can't help seeing a disconnect between your intellect and your emotions on this one, and it's one that I can relate to (if it actually exists and isn't something my deranged mind concocted because I really don't want to work on my paper yet). It feels as though you know intellectually that God is infallible and trustworthy, but your heart doesn't know it yet.
This is where I start talking about something that seems random but relates in my head. I don't believe other people's compliments of me because I have trained myself to see only the bad in me, and I always think that if other people knew me better, they would hate me as much as I do. But that's a skewed view of-- well, everything. Because that insults the intelligence of the people complimenting me.
It's saying that they don't have the discernment to see the truth, that I am smarter and know better than they do (and am a talented actress), that I am some sort of anomaly (I can always see good in other people-- real, objective good-- and how can I be proud enough to think that either Satan is deliberately targeting me more than other people or that God is deliberately ignoring me more than other people?).
So by denying any good in myself, I'm pretty much asserting that I have to be very skilled at something (such as acting or discerning), but to be skilled at something, you have to be good at it-- and there you go, I have ended up on some sort of backwards pedestal.
I don't know. I guess what I'm saying is, sometimes you have to trust other people and accept that their perspective is different from yours and still valid. God made man and said he was good. Women see men and say they look good. So it all comes down to faith--the "conviction of things not seen."
Shoot, I just turned this into a testimonial sermon. Sorry.
Kyle, I didn't picture the face until you said it, and then I totally saw it and it was brilliant. Thanks! :-)
I suppose I know intellectually that you guys might find men attractive. The problem I run into is believing that men ARE attractive. Because you guys might all just be wrong. :D
ReplyDeleteHaha, I bet that ruffles feathers.
I think I'd be a little worried if you suddenly strongly believed that men were really attractive to you.
ReplyDeleteSo there. :-P
Hahaha, wow I loved reading this! Especially the part about distracting him by getting him to name all the animals ;) Nice work!
ReplyDelete