I feel less and less like a man, the longer this goes on. I don't want to be nice anymore. I don't want to respect her wishes anymore. I don't want to bend over backward to make her feel good anymore. I don't want her. Ever.
I want to take what I need. I want to tell someone how things will be. I want to be respected. Needed. Listened to. I want to feel okay and safe with being myself and the things I do and want and am. I want vindication. I want to rage at the winds and storm and draw strength from and give strength to a Woman and face the world as a team.
I want these things. I want to be a Man. But I don't see any Women. All I see is men and women and none of them deserve the title they claim.
So I'll keep looking.
Could it be that by the time you get to be Man, the right person will have gotten to become Woman?
ReplyDeleteMaybe there's a reason God didn't make Adam and Eve at exactly the same time. Maybe there's a reason He didn't have Adam up and ready to meet Eve as soon as she was created (though maybe He did? I guess I don't actually know that one).
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, time. There's a reason everything doesn't happen all at once.
It's possible but worrisome.
ReplyDeleteHow worrisome?
ReplyDeleteIf God has a plan for us (collectively), shouldn't we just . . . trust it?
I'm not saying we shouldn't do action or whatnot, but . . . there's so much angst and worry and whatnot here and all I can think is, "Doesn't God tell us not to fear?"
I've heard people (maybe you?) say you're better in a relationship, but that's a lot of pressure to put on another person, like asking her to fix you when that isn't her job.
I know all this is stuff you know, but maybe you won't mind hearing it again?
Hm. Maybe I have been misunderstood. I am not better when in a relationship BECAUSE of the woman, but FOR her.
ReplyDeleteOn my own, I have little reason to be better. I cut back for my friends, and for students, and for my parents, and some for myself. But I don't have a constant, driving, pressing need to be a better man. With a woman in my life, I find that need. So I work to be better.
She doesn't actually do anything other than exist. But she is worth fighting for, and that is worth fighting for. Tautology.
And I suppose I should follow God's plan, but seriously. How easy is that?
Omw YEESSS!!!! I have so many thoughts on this, it would be impossible to write them all down. All I know is Men: MAN UP!!! Stop fishing for compliments and do what needs to get done! I need a team mate! Not a kid to look after! Why do the people that you think would fit the best always end up being just your close friends? God, I know you've got this under control, but some obvious guidance would be nice. Just sayin'. Now that I've completed my rant I shall say adieu. ^_^
ReplyDeleteHm. You don't want a kid to look after, but you will have to if you have a man. Any man. We don't grow up like women do. We don't even want to grow up like men do. Guys act like kids. Universal truth.
ReplyDeleteGuys are pretty stupid sometimes, but we're decisive and aggressive and impulsive and that's a good thing.
Robby: That makes sense. I still don't like it, though. Why not be better for God?
ReplyDeleteYeah, I have no idea what to do with the whole "God's plan" thing. I'm bad at trust. But I think it's important.
I get what you're saying, Olivine, but . . . I'm a kid a great deal of the time. I think whomever I marry will have to make as many allowances for me as I will for him. But it's a partnership, you know, and maybe sometimes, we can be kids together. Maybe other times, I can pull him out of being an idiot. Probably most of the time he'll be doing that for me. But if he doesn't mind, I won't.
Oh, of course the best plan would be to be better for God. But I've known him my whole life and he's not going away or getting any less ephemeral, so I'm making do with what I get.
ReplyDeleteWhat I'm saying is that my relationship with God is less visceral than it should be.
Maybe that's something to work on first? Before Woman comes?
ReplyDeleteSorry. I don't like that appealing to God has become the easy way out in debates and stuff, but . . .
ReplyDeleteI don't know. I think I need a better relationship with God.
The problem with your otherwise excellent plan, Brooke: I will never, ever be right with God. Not 100%. I will always have more progress to make.
ReplyDeleteSo I'll just take them as separate journeys, instead of linking the initiation of the one on the success of the other. I cannot wait to be "close to God" or else I will wait forever.
So, thanks but no thanks.
I think you have a good point, Robby-- one Esther made to me just yesterday.
ReplyDeleteI sort of agree with it. I mean . . . I keep thinking I should be a better person before I go to God, and I should be healthier before I go to the doctor, and such. But if I wait for all those things, then I'll never get there, and I'll never get the help I need.
I've heard marriage described as a refining process-- two people rubbing the rough edges out of each other. I think there is truth to that.
But I do think that there are certain steps to be taken before one gets there, also?
Also: random thing about which I want to hear your opinions: A pastor I knew when I was in high school said that God put Adam to sleep to teach us a lesson about dating. He said that instead of looking obsessively for "the one" like Adam started to do with the animals, we were supposed to . . . go to sleep, so to speak-- you know, live life-- and the right person would come when the time was right.
Hm.
ReplyDeleteI think that has some truth to it and some bollocks. I mean, maybe. But how are you going to get into a relationship unless at some point you say "Hey, we should be in a relationship?" And you can't do that if you're asleep. I think we (on this blog, except for Brooke who is exempt because she is dating) as a whole have a problem more with being more sleepy in our dating lives, as opposed to the people who are more lively and are constantly looking for love.
So basically,
moderation in all things.
It is so good to be greek.
Athena would be so proud!
ReplyDeleteThat makes a great deal of sense, and it's pretty much the conclusion I ended up with. Still . . . it's worth considering, you know?
I relatively recently had a somewhat rude awakening. I think there was ice water involved. :-S
Maybe I should clarify.
ReplyDeleteI don't think anyone will ever have a 100% perfect relationship with God--we can always be better. So, I'm not saying I think you should reach perfection before you find a mate (otherwise what am I even doing dating? Because I'm nowhere near ready). I simply think that God is a good place to be working towards when you're looking for a future mate.
Oh.
ReplyDeleteThat does make sense yes.
Something I'm curious about . . . how do you tell when someone is not just man but Man, or when someone is not just woman but Woman?
ReplyDeleteFor what do you look?
You don't look. You can't look.
ReplyDeleteIt's a feeling.
Have you read Perelandra by C.S.Lewis? It has a great part at the end where Ransom is standing in front of Malacandra and Perelandra, the two great eldil, and in looking at them, he gets such amazing differences from them both.
Malacandra is a warrior, and feels like the snap of wind on a chilly morning, and like the rumble of distant thunder in the mountains, and like the frightening clarity of stars at night in the country.
Perelandra is a nurturer, and feels like a garden after a heavy rain, or like dusk as the lightning bugs come out, like freshly-washed sheets, like the shape of waves.
It's an amazing description and I love it.
People can fake being Man or Woman, but they can't keep up the deception for very long at all. For example, I knew Stephanie wasn't a Woman before I started dating her. So why did I?
When I know the answer to that, I will make a million dollars.
Well, of COURSE I've read "Perelandra"! Oh, yes, I see what you mean.
ReplyDeleteYes, of course. Excellent descriptions. I know two women like that, and I desperately want to be like them.
I can think of several reasons for dating someone who isn't, but I don't know if they are your reasons, but whatever. Loneliness, boredom, relentless optimism, foolishness, and/or plain stubbornness. :-S
Are you rich yet?
Captcha said "determ," as if it had started to say "determination" and lost the will to finish.
ReplyDeleteOh, that captcha is so sad.
ReplyDeleteI am not rich.
I think I am attracted to intensely broken people. These people give off waves of promise in order to draw in suckers like me.
Perhaps you simply want to fix them? To fill their void and mend their wounds (not necessarily with yourself, though that's often how it happens, but be a catalyst that brings them to a better place)? Perhaps you're not a sucker, perhaps you simply want people to get well?
ReplyDeletePerhaps, but it doesn't help me any!
ReplyDelete"I think I am attracted to intensely broken people. These people give off waves of promise in order to draw in suckers like me."
ReplyDeleteWow. That's a fascinating statement. Hmm. Lots to think about there.
My sister seemed to be like that. She married a guy who's pretty decent and relatively not-broken, I think, but for the longest time, she always dated the saddest people. I don't know. I think it has something to do with vulnerability? Protective instincts? Empathy? Because you know, when we get right down to it, we're all pretty broken, and stuff? Or what about openness-- admitting that they're messed up, and it's kind of admirable, and stuff? Or yeah, trying to fix people makes lots of sense and also got a song stuck in my head.
It doesn't really help anybody. I think I was just thinking out loud.
ReplyDelete