It is my birthday. It rained, which is like God's present to me. The only times I like it outside are when it's raining, snowing, or about to do one of either. I went for a walk and wished I could take the dog with me like I used to when he wasn't blind and old and lived in the house.
While I walked in the rain, I thought for a long time. I thought about what I could have had, and what I have had. I thought about my regrets (they form a beautiful list that I can run through at my leisure). There are regrets that are safe to share online, and those that aren't safe to share with anyone but God.
1. When I was about 9, our family visited some other Adventists for lunch. Philip kept playing with the guys' toys after they said not to, so I tackled him. Dad yelled up the stairs to us, so we stopped. As I got up, I saw the look on those brothers' faces. All I could see was "Holy crap." It was like I had introduced them to sibling rivalry. I felt like dirt.
2. When I was about 11, there was a new kid at school. A friend of mine told me that we should play with him. He towered over us, but we played some stupid game which ended up (as I realized after) with us bullying him and kicking us. This memory always has centripetal force attached with it (swinging a bucket with water in it) because I bullied him and learned about waterbuckets in the exact same spot in front of the school. The guy we bullied is married and has two kids now. The guy I bullied with is married and has a kid.
3. Somewhere between those incidences, I played rough with another kid behind the church. I never thought I was a bully until years after these. Now I hold them close so I don't do it again, like sheathing a sword in your own flesh so it won't cut anyone else.
4. I chased cats with Rodhouse.
5. I hurt my brother just so he would go away.
6. I didn't read To Kill a Mockingbird until I was 16.
7. I never had sleepovers or parties as a kid.
8. When I was at camp, I said something funny at just the wrong time and made light of a serious thing someone said, and it crushed them.
9. The entirety of grade school, I was mean to Rachelle. She would count the fact that I admit it as a small triumph. Rachelle's cool, though. So I don't think I broke her (whew).
But especially, because I was walking in the rain, I thought about this from years back:
It was raining, and I was talking to the girl I liked about how I love walking in the rain (apropos, no?). She looked at me like I was a little bit mental and said "I don't like walking in the rain." So I finished what I was doing and left to go put my things away and walk in the rain. I was halfway back to the dorm when I thought: "Don't be a mouse. Be a man." So I turned around and ran back to where she was. It was like a movie, with me running, soaking wet and rounding the corner to where I knew she was and wouldn't you know it?
She was gone.
I have always regretted not pulling out my phone and calling her right that moment.
I have always regretted not tracking her down and showing her something new.
I have always regretted not leading her to my favorite spot on the wellness trail and asking her out in the rain.
Because she might have gone.
Because she might have enjoyed it.
Because she might have said yes.
And because my life definitely would have been different.
So I walked in the rain. When I got back, the dog was happy to see me, and the cat was aloof, and the house smelled stale after the freshness of the rain, and I went upstairs and took off my wet socks and tried to cry. I ended up listening to the patter on the windows instead.
So my birthday was perfect. I got rain and introspection.
Thank you, God.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
That was fascinating, and now it's made me all introspective, as if I didn't just spend all evening being introspective on poor but wonderfully patient Brooke.
ReplyDeleteYou know what else I love to walk in? Wind. And/or a good thunderstorm.
Good for your dog and cat. :-)
Thunder yes, but still very scary. There is a chance of DEATH after all.
ReplyDeletedude, that's heavy stuff. I liked reading it though. I never would have thought you used to be a bully. I used to be the kid that GOT bullied, and yet, we turned out fairly similar. sort of funny, no? but seriously, number 8 hit me hard, because I wondered if I've done that. I'm generally lighthearted, but I know when to be serious. all the same, it makes me hope to God that I haven't done that, cuz I'd hate myself. Not that you should hate YOURself. I'm just saying.
ReplyDelete"Death. Death is coming. Death is HERE! Who's that knocking at the door? It's DEATH!"
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. That is terrible. But I could have gone with "Thunder and lightning: very, very frightening," and that would have been worse."
I like thunderstorms and standing on the beach when the waves are whipping loudly because I can yell as loudly as I want to and not bother anyone.
__
This is an echo of something I've already said, Robby, but:
I really like that you think honestly about these things. When I met you, I thought you were arrogant and something of a bully, and I was definitely harsh in that assessment, but I have seen some real growth in you. I've seen you deliberately make an effort to avoid making past mistakes again.
You can't change that these things happened, but you're doing your best to keep them from happening again, and you are letting God work with you instead of trying to work against Him.
I wonder where you'll be next year.
Here's a paraphrase of something I wrote a few years ago and am too lazy to actually dig through my computer and find:
ReplyDeleteWhen I was twelve, I couldn't wait for thirteen, because I knew that once I was a teenager, I would know it all. I would be chill and awesome and everyone would know it. It was such a big, big step--to be a teenager!--how could I not be different?
When I turned thirteen, I realized there wasn't much difference from twelve, so I waited eagerly for sixteen. The heartbreak along the way just served to make me even more firm in my belief that sixteen would bring some type of line I could step across and finally be grown up.
At sixteen, I waited for eighteen, hoping, at least, that my skin would clear, if not my angst.
At eighteen, I waited for 21, not expecting anything to change at all.
At 21, I was shocked to realize just how much I HAD changed. And it was good--and my friends had helped make me that way, because somehow my 18 year old self found the best people in the world. And they'd been searching too, and so when we changed, it was together, and we kept each other going when it got hard.
College does that to you, you know. High school, I'm convinced, is just a breeding ground for drama and self-doubt--any predilection for change is buried under teenage hormones. But all the integral pieces of who you are come together in college.
So basically, get all your changing done NOW. Because I can't speak for after college. I do know I'm not waiting for any more birthdays!
^This.
ReplyDeleteOne reason I truly admire Dr. Byrd is that she is always improving herself--she's always looking for ways to become a better person, teacher, wife. She takes note of her weaknesses and works on them, always seeking new, better methods of doing things.
ReplyDeleteI respect people who make effort to grow.
^This.
ReplyDeleteSadly, I don't want to take notes and yet here I am doing it.
ReplyDeleteI don't know that I have improved. I didn't write this specifically for you guys. I'm glad you've read it and I appreciate your feedback.
But I wrote this to have written it down. I wrote this so I could see what I'm worried about. I wrote it down so I could process it. And a blog is a good enough place to do it.
The reason I shared it? So you would maybe think about this sort of stuff too. And it worked. So win? I guess.
@Lyssa: I hope to high heaven I continue to change after College. I am brash and rude and a little bit overbearing and self-centered and definitely very angry. So those are things I'm still working on.
@Kyle: I only bullied those two times, and it was with other people (safety in numbers). The rest of the time, people picked on me, and I fought back. So I was never BULLIED, and I was not a BULLY. Except if you ask Rachelle, but I didn't do that on purpose or even know that I was doing it. I hate those memories.
@Philip, my brother, who isn't here: I remember when I was 13 and everyone hated me (ask Kyle, who hates nobody. He didn't like me). I remember when you were 13 and I hated you. This ^ is the plus side. All of these things they've been saying. We're like uranium: great potential for evil, great potential for good. We just have to apply ourselves correctly and not cause a meltdown/explosion.
What I mean by "takes note" is that she notices and remembers. From my observation, she makes mental notes, not written ones--except when it comes to her classes.
ReplyDelete(Growing. I have more I could say. Yet nothing left to say. So, silence.)
(Growing. I have more I could say. Yet nothing left to say. So, silence.)
ReplyDelete^This.